This photo was taken the other day - by my lovely husband. He took all of the kids out for a few hours so I could get some sleep. Little Miss A has had me up alot in the night and well it caught up with me. I found myself in quite a desperate state - and completely unable to function - or even really walk straight.
I'm in this strange place these days knowing that I'm almost through these baby years (which have been quite long considering there were 5 of said babies ;) ) And yet even knowing that I'm so close and really really wanting to just enjoy this last bit of time - well I'm finding it quite hard. Truth is I'm just really really really burnt out. Quite seriously so. I haven't actually had regular healthy sleep in 10 years - there's a reason why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture believe me!
SO yeah - here I am trying to somehow find balance. Wanting to stay with my ideals of respecting my babies' attachment / forming a healthy attachment. And even just enjoy and be present with my kids while on the other hand just being so darned tired.
I've been thinking about it alot this week especially since it's been quite a challenging week. And as usual it really all comes down to balance. That's the biggest challenge of motherhood I'd say. How do we as mothers find a balance between our *needs* and the very real *needs* of our children - especially in a society that doesn't do much more than pay lip service to valuing either?
Not a simple answer there I know that. So in the mean time I guess I'll just keep on teetering - interestingly enough somewhat like my nightowl daughter is teetering to find her balance in the photo above. Here she is desperately trying to learn about the world and find her own balance while I struggle with mine.
I was thinking the other day about how we all have to deal with hard times in one way or another. Some have financial difficulties, relationship issues - sheesh - there's lots of possibilies isn't there? I just happen to be blessed in so many ways - a strong marriage being a big one - I think that I just have to somehow find the strength to move through this time with Grace and as much patience as I can muster ;)
So I think I'll make a list - cause I like lists ;) A list of things that I *can* do during this time when so much is beyond my control.
- I can knit ;) SO relaxing for me - relaxing is good I'm thinking ;)
- I can carve out time for myself, for my marriage, for alone time with my kids. And time for resting - catching up. Naps are so incredibly rejuvinating for me and should not be neglected.
- I can keep on eating really really well and taking supplements to physically support my body.
- I can *breathe* (sounds obvious now doesn't it? BUt ever notice how easy it is to forget to breathe when you are stressed about something?)
- I can take time to focus more on what is good and right every single day - it's so easy to get lost in the challenging bits of the day and forget all about the good stuff that happened
- I can eat chocolate! Lots of it darn it! I'll make it the raw healthy sort -with nourishing fats and agave so that it can be a boost that I won't pay for later on ;)
- I can daydream ;) Of all the things I'll do when my babies don't need me so much. (Like sleeping!) Yes while other people are daydreaming of going off to Hawaii or some other tropical place I'm just lost in a dream of sleeping in my comfortable bed *all by myself* for hours - maybe with the sunshine streaming in on me. And quiet. Glorious quiet - to sleep to of course :)
- now of course there is the plan that my husband and I have for me to go off to a spa for an entire week alone just as soon as my littles can bare to be away from me that long. That's a good one too!
- And then of course there are the dreams that follow once I'm well slept - like school - that in itself can keep me busy - just the thought of it - or mainly what to take and how to go about doing that in this very lovely but also isolated community. It's a good one tho ;) the dream I mean.
- and on a day to day basis I'm pretty good at letting go of things like say......dishes ;) Or better yet delegating those tasks to my capable children ;) But seriously - letting a lot go, knowing that it will come together in time.
- I can try to be gentle with myself - to be ok with making mistakes and not being the perfect mama. Who can really? I can be ok with my best.
- And last but not least i can keep writing here. I've been finding it so healing and inspiring to write here. It forces me to really look at my day - to find the inspiring parts. The beautiful parts. The hidden gem moments that might have slipped by had I not been so watchful.
And I'm quite sure my kids will always be here reminding me every single day in their own unique ways :)